All this week, FierceWireless has counted down the 25 most powerful people in the U.S. mobile industry [1], a special report that concludes today with the unveiling of numbers 5 through 1. As editor-in-chief Sue Marek writes in her introduction, "The Fierce editors scrutinized every person we selected to make sure we could justify their position on our list"--of course, it's probably inevitable that kind of scrutiny would eventually turn to a discussion of the industry's most insignificant figures as well. So here they are: The five least powerful people in wireless.
5. P. Diddy: All the way back at CTIA Wireless 2005 in New Orleans, rap mogul Sean "P. Diddy" Combs famously declared "I am an MVNO." But ask yourself this: Have you ever made a call on a P. Diddy phone? Have you ever subscribed to a P. Diddy data plan? Of course not. Because P. Diddy isn't an MVNO after all. He was lying to you. Chances are he doesn't really miss Biggie, either.
4. That network technician guy from the Verizon Wireless commercials: For years this unnamed, bespectacled Verizon technician has served as the public face of the operator's wireless services, claiming credit for each successful call across its nationwide network. But according to inside sources, he is in fact an actor, and has absolutely nothing to do with quality assurance and day-to-day network maintenance. That's right, nothing!
3. Frank Stallone: This pop singer, the son of celebrity astrologist Jackie Stallone, reached the Billboard Top Ten in 1983 with his single "Far from Over." Guaranteed immortality, right? But a quarter century later, you cannot find a single mobile subscriber with a Frank Stallone ringtone, a Frank Stallone ringback or a Frank Stallone wallpaper. Nor for that matter are there any Frank Stallone mobile games or any location-based Frank Stallone finder applications. Even Debby Boone and Right Said Fred live on via ringtones, generating at least five or ten bucks a month for mobile operators and content providers. The only time anyone makes revenue off Frank Stallone is when he texts big brother Sylvester to ask for a loan.
2. Steve Jobs' fashion consultant: Either this mysterious individual wields no power whatsoever or simply lacks the creativity to suggest that his boss wear anything besides black turtlenecks and blue jeans. In any case, no one of Jobs' stature and influence should don the same outfit day in and day out--you can only get away with that if you're a little round-headed kid with a dog named Snoopy and a best friend named Linus.
1. Jason Ankeny: This arrogant, vindictive little man has irreparably damaged the FierceMobileContent brand and soiled the reputation of technology journalism as a whole. Not only is he as inarticulate as a child raised by wolves, but he knows virtually nothing about the wireless industry he covers--a few weeks back, while Ankeny was sleeping off yet another of his many benders, his helper monkey ghost-wrote the newsletter in his place, and several readers remarked that it was the most coherent and insightful issue of FMC in years. It's a shame the helper monkey didn't return to write this column. -Jason [2]
Links:
[1] http://www.fiercewireless.com/special-reports/5-dan-hesse-president-ceo-sprint-nextel
[2] mailto:jankeny@fiercemarkets.com